Do Ninjas work?

In this modern work a day world you don't often see a ninja...I guess that's the point of ninjas, but I digress. The fact is they're not lurking in the shadows in that space where the wall meets the ceiling. They're not conceiled behind the trunk of a mighty oak. Sadly, they have no place in this day and age. I remember vividly the day I realized that it would be almost impossible to move about the world in complete stealth, killing for profit and/or vengeance. I refer to it as 'the Day I gave up on being a ninja'. I pity a world where we fear the wrath of terrorists more than the strike of ninjas.

talk about a Tiger Shark

As if I needed another reason to be afraid of the water. I mean Jesus Christ people. Apparently if I'm being chased by a tiger that shit can chase MY shit through the water and shit. I say fuck the tigers, nuke em all...oh god, I hope they can't read now too...

The kid is back

It's been a long time...shouldn't have left you...without a dope beat to step to. Whenever the term "long time" is used I will imediately begin to sing the previously mentioned Aaliyah song. That's strange unto itself especially when you factor in that I don't really like Aaliyah. If anything you'd think I'd start singing "Foreplay/Longtime" by Boston. Which is in my top 37 songs of all time (List to be published at a later date). The sad part is however, as I break into the song and accompanying dance recently, less and less people get the reference. C'mon people. That song was a goddamn hit!

Karma Schwarma

Now I'm not saying I don't believe int eh existence of karma. But sometimes I think we give the fates too much credit. They may be omnipotent but are you sure they're really omnipresent?
The case I'm reffering to is when one is in close company and they make a reeeeely crude joke. A joke that one would never say in front of mixed company. Here's a list of some topics (and I'm not admitting over the internet that I make jokes about these things, they are merely examples): AIDS, Abortion, Asians...and that's just the A's. Whenever topics like this are jested about someone feels they must separate themselves from the grouup by saying something like "keep joking about this stuff and watch what happens" or "you know if you keep saying these awful things your baby is going to be born with no eyes." I'll admit that a twinge in the back of my brain tells me what I'm doing is wrong. But it feels so naughty and delightful. I just can't seem to help myself. Here's my point. Are there any documented cases of this happening. Can you recall a time when someone made a joke about bird flu and then a week later their mother ate a tainted Sparrow? If you feel uncomfortable making jokes about things you know nothing about then that's a good thing. You will avoid putting your foot in your mouth on a weekly basis. But if you only do it because of the invisible floating eye waiting to teach you an unexpected lesson, then you're doing it for the wrong reasons, and you should be smited...or smoten...what the hell is that word?

Nah Gah Dah

When I think about it, I have never seen an impression of George Bush Senior that wasn't an impression of Dana Carvey's impression of him. And that's just really sad. In fact seeing as I was 9 years old at the time of the Gulf War, Bush Sr.'s legacy, in my mind, IS Dana Carvey's impression of him. So really Bush's legacy is one of Dana Carvey's legacies. Maybe Bush should start doing an impression of the "Church Lady". I think with his post-presidential pull he could hammer it into people's heads as much as Carvey did in the early 90s, and thus, sweet vengeance would be had.

the 21 Bell Salute

A lot of people ask me "Hammer, what's the 21 Bell Salute?" And all I can say is...you'll know soon enough. The important thing now is, how the hell do we get rid of all these eskimos?

Poop your pants for just $2.99

I don't understand how Denny's can sell their Grand Slam breakfast for just $2.99. In a way that price works more as a deterrent than a deal closer. It likely means that the quality of their ingredients is so low that they can pile them on your plate a mile high and still clear a profit. It does not make sense. However, if the fine people at Denny's would like to send me some sort of coupon book, or perhaps free Grand Slams for a year I might be persuaded to change my opinion and thus the opinions of my dozens of loyal readers.